A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM
Go EXtreme for LIFE!
Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, my husband got me a gym membership at the local health club to help reduce some of my job stress so I decided to purchase a package of personal training sessions to kickstart my new lifestyle and fitness goals. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give this program a try.
I called the health club and decided to make personal trainer reservations with a personal trainer named Kelly, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. They said that he is the top personal trainer plus everybody likes him, so I decided to get started right away.
My friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started and were all so happy for me! They promised to support me every step of my program. (support is very important) The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
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MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Kelly waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god... with dark brown hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!! Getting out of bed early in the morning couldn't be easier now! :)
Kelly gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. This guy is very inspiring! Lord knows we all need inspiration. Everything he does is about health and fitness. He even promised to go grocery shopping with me to make sure I get all the right foods to help me with my fitness goals. (And how much was this personal trainer again?? PRICELESS!!)
Kelly was very encouraging as I did my crunches, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. It hurt so much but he promised me a six-pack (no not a Bud Light either lol!)
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!! Woo hoo!!! Let's get started now!
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TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Kelly made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I kept telling myself "You feel GREAT!" It's a whole new life for me. "Just imagine how good you are going to feel in another 8 weeks from working out with this guy! You will see results quickly!" At least I hope hee hee.
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WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. An electric toothbrush for my birthday would have been nice lol! I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals of my chest. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot... oops!!
Kelly was very impatient with me today, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for me that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. OMGosh will someone please tell me why did I start this new program?? Kelly said there are several benefits to working out and exercise.
1. Improve Your Health
2. Sleep Better
3. Reduce Stress & Depression
4. Gain More Energy
5. Lose Weight
6. Burn Fat
7. Start Looking Great
8. Feel Happier
9. You Feel Sexy
10. Have Lots of Fun
11. Have Less Joint Pain
12. Live a Longer Life
13. Prevent Disease
14. Increase Sex Drive
15. Achieve Your Goals
And a Better Body! Plus Many More Benefits! Get Started Today!
Okay I guess I'm sold on all these benefits so let's keep this program going... My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Kelly put me on the stair monster. (I think that's what it's called.) Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? I hate walking up the few stairs at my house let alone this crazy machine! Kelly told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.
He said some other crazy sh-t too that really made me question how much he really likes his clients. Am I really supposed to be this sore GRRRR!!?? Kelly told me a better diet would help with my soreness and help me to feel good but I should give him a good piece of my mind. Can't I just eat what I want to eat please??
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THURSDAY:
The f-cking a--hole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late today... it took me that long to tie my shoes. My back felt like a brick and my arms felt like jello. My body is so sore oweee! I need to get a nice lonnnnng massage today! Somebody help me please!!! Does anybody have a hot tub? Kelly said he has one at home but the bastard never invites clients over GRRRR!!
He took me to work out with dumbbells today. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom and just cried. He sent some skinny beeeotch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine... which I sank. Then he had me jumping rope which I thought was for kids. I tripped and fell and bumped my head on the floor GRRRR!!
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FRIDAY:
I hate that bastard Kelly more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world GRRRR!!! Stupid, skinny, anorexic, annoying, pathetic, non caring, non listening, impatient, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Kelly wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. My friends no longer support me. That didn't last too long. They won't even pick up the phone or respond to my text messages. I tell them "Do you really want to start this fitness program?"
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher and knocked them over spilling their protein shake drinks all over the floor!! Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
Even the overweight people in the gym are laughing at me today, shaking their heads... even giving each other high fives when they watch me... I see them laughing and giggling when they think I'm not paying attention. Maybe I should give them my last few sessions free so they can come and try this out. Get your butt over here now and get started today!
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SATURDAY:
That Greek god Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to puke and smash the answering machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel...
Then he had the audacity to call me again later in the day to check up on me... wondering why I had not called him back. He told me with his not so convincing voice that yes I better be there on Monday to workout or there would be even more pain when I returned. My husband must have done this all to me as a joke.
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SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun and less painful... like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!! My whole body needs an ice rub down. Thank you so much Kelly for making my life this week very painful, agonizing, and lots of laughter from hell. Hope you found this extremely hilarious but I'm not laughing.